Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
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Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Breaking news:
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack