me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
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It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?