Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
You Might Also Like
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.