[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
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i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Haha! 😂
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Worth the read.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”