[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.