[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
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Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who