HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
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People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.