me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
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Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time