i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
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While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
*pronounces fake like saké*
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.