While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
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I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
the composer
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Unimpressed
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Big Sex has us all fooled
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.