You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
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In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.