[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
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I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?