Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
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Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime