You Might Also Like
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
True statement👍😏😁
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Fluff me with a fork baby
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening