An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
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Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”