shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
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“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.