“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
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My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
is this meant to deter me
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous