what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
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*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?