“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

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what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free


*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money


Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair


Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.


For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.


An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.


Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.

Me: Sweet.


If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.