Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I was just discussing this with my cat
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My daily affirmation
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash