Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
You Might Also Like
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.