Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.