If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
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Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.