*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
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I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I laughed at this way too hard.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Have a lovely day 😊
Not messing around
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?