Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Eat…
I’m not lazy
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*