You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.