I have a black belt in leather
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
The news
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]