Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
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Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Just had my nails done!
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
I can also cook 😂
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son