COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
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DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Is this you?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
🤣🤣🤣
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Me sliding into hell like
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son