The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
You Might Also Like
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
What do you hear?
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.