Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
that’s really how it is
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.