I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
50 shades of grey = my Liver
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
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Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax