me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
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We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
moms in horror movies
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?