accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
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A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
ready to be harvested
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.