Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
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My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
A completely valid reaction tbh
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
They’re called werewolves.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep