HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
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I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Cats are still liquid.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
why I oughta
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.