Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
You Might Also Like
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
If you know, you know
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Goodnight 🐶
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.