Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
You Might Also Like
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
you know what ruined my childhood? children