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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair