COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Selfie
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno