COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
you: babe i love you
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die