COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Jogging
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S M O L
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.