The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
You Might Also Like
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
My last name is Zilla.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…