*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables