imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Guy who likes music