You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.