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I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.