You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
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“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.