Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies