The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
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When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.