Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
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Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?