[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
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Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Happy Friday
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.