HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate