Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
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It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.